Standing On A Chair

Telling it like I see it…

Rants from the Chair: On Cheating Cheaters

This piece is dedicated to all of the cheating cheaters out there.  Believe me, you know who you are.

For me, the last straw was when Jane Fonda, who famously swore never to give in, got the most amazing face lift on the planet.

Where does it say, in the rules of life, that it’s not okay to look old, even if you are old?

Make no mistake, I’ve gotten just as caught up in cosmetic enhancement as the next person.  I learned at an early age that having sparse eyebrows, a flat chest and buck teeth just weren’t going to cut it in the boyfriend business. 

Up until the eighth grade, I had a reputation for being homely.  I was the only seventh-grader without a date to the Davidson Elementary annual year-end bop party.  I even had a song dedicated to me on the radio.  It was a 1959 classic on the top-ten by Marv Johnson called “You Got What it Takes.”  Not to be fooled by the title, the lyrics go something like: 

Now you don’t live in a beautiful place,

And You don’t dress in the best of taste,

And Nature didn’t give you such a beautiful face…

But Baybeeee, you got what it takes.

I sobbed for days.

Thank God my dad had a full set of braces installed in my mouth for four years.  And I finally grew a pair of boobs, although nothing to write home about.  I studied glamour magazines like a maniac and poured all my allowance money into Maybelline make-up products.

And in hindsight, I did all this for the express purpose of attracting the kind of men who pay more attention to outward beauty than the inward version we all pay a ton of lip-service to.

Now that I am older, and spending way too much time searching in the mirror for my missing lip and jaw lines, I literally cheer out loud when I see a face lift or an eye job gone bad.  “Aha!” I shout.  “Serves you right, you cheating cheater!”  Botched jobs make me feel self-righteous and justified in living with the personal ravages of my own old age.

I mean, have you seen Bruce Jenner or Kenny Rogers lately?  They look like owls.  And when an acquaintance of mine borrowed money and had her entire head stapled in a bungled lift about twenty years ago, I silently applauded when her face fell back down to her chest after just a couple of weeks.  And don’t even talk to me about the bizarre lips we’re seeing regularly these days.  In addition to injectable fillers, I have known women who have had cadaver lips implanted into their own, if you can even believe that!

Did you hear recently about the cross-dressing fake doctor who injected cement and super-glue into people’s asses?  This really happened, people.  Some women are so desperate to “make themselves more attractive” that they’ll go anywhere cheap to get it done.

So yes, Jane Fonda had to go and blow it for me.  She looks fantastic.  She looks young.  In an interview she admitted to going back on her word and finally having “a little work done.”  She also talked about how helpful it was that she had money, and lots of it.

Every now and then I hear my hypocritical self saying things like, “Oh My God that woman is a news anchor, and with that sagging neckline she looks like she’s a hundred years old!”  Or, “What is up with that lady letting her hair go gray?  Has she not heard of Clairol?”  Or, “Wow, that gal looks so hot for an old person in her sixties!”

I blame my culture.  And everyone in it.  Including me.

Don’t think I haven’t asked myself that question:  If I had the money, would I do it?  After about a nanosecond of thought, my answer has always been…well…FUCK YES!

So to all of you cheating cheaters, you are making the rest of us look bad!

Sigh. 

Maybe I could Google Jane’s cosmetic surgeon.  I’m sure he’s practicing in Beverly Hills…

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December 20, 2011 - Posted by | Aging | , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 Comments »

  1. One can purchase a new face, what what about hormones w/o risk of cancer? I, being not of the income bracket to purchase a new face did splurge on a $50 rabbit pearl then delayed in getting around to purchasing the 3 AA batteries to go with it. Now it sits on my end table awaiting my effort and turning the damn thing on. Oh well . . . one of these days!

    Meanwhile, Jill, I am going to Honolulu for a week in Jan to use up a coupon. Free Vitamin D on my aging body.

    Comment by geri wright | December 20, 2011 | Reply

  2. Thinking just about the same thoughts today….

    Comment by Becky | December 20, 2011 | Reply

  3. Speaking of Jane Fonda – – – – – I absolutely recommend her newest book, which is called PRIME TIME. It gave me not just a face lift, but a whole body lift – – -mind, body,spirit. All of that for the price of a book, instead of the price of a facelift !!! It is aimed at women, our age, and as self-help books go, it is a wonder child. She is a proponent of writing a “Life Review” (read all about that in the book). In the writing of my own life review, you, Miss Dilly, play a starring role ! Love and Merry Christmas to you and yours, Looey

    Comment by Luanne Fickett | December 21, 2011 | Reply

  4. I’ve wanted to get my nose done since high school, also wanted to get a tattoo since high school. Finally got a tattoo, okay, I got 3 tattoos, still have the same nose. I’ve decided I can live with my nose. Last year I bought some Clairol to cover the gray. haven’t used it yet and I figure it’s so old now it would turn my hair green. I’ve now decided that my platinum hair is just fine.
    Oh, if I win the lottery, I will get it all lifted and hair colored!

    Comment by Linda Wines Stokes | December 21, 2011 | Reply

  5. Keep up the great work, I read few posts on this site and I think that your blog is very interesting and contains sets of great info.

    Comment by Amos Wilund | December 27, 2011 | Reply


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